I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
