I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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