dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
