...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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