Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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