i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
