i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We left an ass print on the piano.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
