dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
