I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Someone came in the potted fern
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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