so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
