I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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