remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
