he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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