no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
