I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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