You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
