i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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