So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
