I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
