Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
