She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
