She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
