new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
