The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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