If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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