sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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