why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Say something about gay babies.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
