So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
