if you like me you must not know who I am
Do you still have your period?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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