You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
