If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
