he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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