dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
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i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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