You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
