fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
