Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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