Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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