I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
