So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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