Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
