Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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