i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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