Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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