im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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