just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
