I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
