I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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