a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
