Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
