Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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