Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
