now i know why i became what i already was.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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