I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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