Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
