as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
