I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
