Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
