Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
